Just because you’re a serpent, doesn’t mean you can’t have terrific, very human, tresses./Image Credit: Cosmopolitan.
Get out your peroxide and flat irons, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. We asked Tomi Lahren to take us through her daily hair care regimen. Or rather stomp through it like the privileged, oblivious loudmouth she is. Take notes, all you damaged-by-a-lack-of-challenges-in-life souls who want damaged hair!
Step One: Brush
Lahren said she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about when it comes to hair care or much of anything. She notes she just says everything fast and loud, so people are forced to pay attention.
“Basically, the look I’m going for is ‘Sexy Toddler.’ I’m trying to infantilize myself and play into the male desire to fuck girls as young as they can get away with. Yeah, I said, ‘fuck.’ So what, Liberal Snowflake! Stop fucking whining!'”
Then she looked up and to the side.
“Damn, Tomi’s already killin’ it at 5:15 in the morning. Filled in my syllable quota for the day with, ‘infantalize,'” she said.
Lahren said her first step each morning at 5:00 a.m., when she bolts up in bed, filled with a manic need to insert her hard-to-swallow voice into public discourse, without any agenda but de-icing the world from its liberal snowflake deep-freeze, is to brush her hair.
Then, she says, she calls her BFF, Randy in to get to work on her to-die-for do! She notes they’ve been going steady for a while.
“Randy touches up my roots every three hours. I’ve never had a problem in life, so I figured it would be fun to give my hair lots of those,” Lahren noted.
Step Two: Wash
Lahren then has Randy, or whoever else–people are, honestly, interchangeable, as she’s got bigger fish to fry–shampoo her hair.
“I feel like there’s a lesson in this for those pathetic homeless people you see on subway grates: wash up and maybe you’ll get a job,” Lahren said. “I mean, look at me, I took this world by its tits, squeezed hard as fuck, and a job as a screaming banshee on Fox News came out and feel on my lap. And I’m only 22.”
Step Three: Mini-Product
Now it’s time to blow dry, Lahren notes.
“I liked to pay someone else to dab a touch of pomade into my hair before this step, using a…gen-tye-lee touch,” she said her voice rising with a lack of sureness. “Oh, I mean ‘gentle’. ‘Gentle’–is that right? Not a concept I have a lot of use for. If the world would just get tough, we’d need less gentleness.”
Step Four: Heat
With a gingerly application of follicular salve, Lahren and her stylist friend get to work blow drying her magnificent mane in preparation for the many styling tools that await it.
“Look, my hair can take a lot of punishment, and I’m proud of that. I work hard to achieve this magnificence you see on top of my head,” Lahren noted.
Lahren remarked, as Randy used a curling iron to add beachy waves to her blonde bomb-on-a-Muslim-country-shell hair, that a stylist recently told her she’d regret over-processing and heat-styling her hair later in life.
“I was like, ‘Oh, please!’ Like I’m listening to you! I’m in my early twenties, okay? EARLY TWENTIES!. I’ve got it all figured out, and I’m not afraid to say it! Regrets? Those are for liberals? Self-awareness, introspection? Gross! Get out of my way world, Lahren’s Lettin’ Loose!” Lahren unleashed in a tirade full of moxie-for-no-reason.
Step Five: Length and Body
After an interminable hour of painstaking work by someone else during which Lahren scrolled through her phone and sipped a giant specialty coffee from Starbucks, it’s on to the extensions.
‘My hair is pretty flipping stupendous, but I’ll accept a hand-out for it. Why not? It’s not like I’m some welfare mom expecting the world to give me a handout,” Lahren opined as Randy clipped extensions in her locks at a speedy clip.
Step Six: More Product
“Now it’s time for one of my two sprays. There’s the hairspray and there’s the spray tan. This time, it’s hairspray,” she said, squinting as Randy doused her hair in layer after layer of spritz.
‘God, I look good,” Lahren said, almost breathlessly, before pushing her way through her bedroom to her walk-in closet.
The Mind-Numbing Finishing Touches
She emerged two hours later in a knock-off Herve Leger band-aid dress and stripper heels.
“Do you know any hot guy who wouldn’t wanna do my sexy-kindergartner ass? I don’t,” Lahren said, grabbing her bag as she tapped her phone with a paradoxical mix of daintiness and clueless clumsy.
“Roger? Hey, it’s Tomi,” she looked back and noted ‘Roger’ was dethroned media monarch Roger Ailes of Fox News, whom she stays in touch with as he guides her through a life of living her dream of inflicting herself like the flu on the stomach of the world.
It’s On You
Lahren’s mission is…well, we’re guessing it has something to do with the tired, dishonest, misguided, conservative narrative of personal responsibility.
Also: Read all about Ivanka’s genius legal strategy for exonerating her family in the Mueller probe.
You know where that begins, don’t you, dear readers? With the tendrils falling teasingly of the top of your head: your hair!
Make sure to check back with us next week for the latest in Alt-beauty!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
